So why not be a midwife?

I talked briefly in my last post about the women that saw me through all of my pregnancies and at one point I truly considered joining the ranks of these amazing women. Sure I would need to go back to school because I would want to be a CNM and that would have been all fine and good, but through my experiences I realized no matter how much respect I have for these women their job was just too tough and in the end just not for me. Let me tell you why.

The easy answer is poop. Poop happens during labor and I'm sure I could learn to deal with it like a professional. Man I do love a good poop joke.

The real problem is much more emotional. When I got pregnant for the third time I had been seeing my midwives regularly, at around 13 weeks I had a routine ultrasound and nothing out of the ordinary was observed. The next day I noticed some spotting and went into the office. I was given another ultrasound and we saw the heart beat so we knew all was well.  I was told this was probably due to having an trans vaginal ultrasound and there was probably nothing to worry about. It was recorded in my chart and I went home. That night the contractions started and didn't stop. I called the midwife on call and she told me, in a way that made me hate her, that I was probably having a miscarriage. She could have said it any one of a million ways and I would have felt the same way. In reality she was full of empathy and compassion but I was deaf to all that. I asked if I needed to come in and she said the doctors would not be able to stop it if that is what was happening so I decided to have my baby at home. It was a long night.

I went back into the office the following morning and had another ultrasound to verify that the P.C. or product of conception, who we call Tiny, was in fact no longer there. After reviewing a video of the prior days ultrasound they saw a small tear in the placenta, that was so small it was overlooked. Nothing could have been done. I had a procedure done to remove extra tissue to avoid infection. This is still a hard thing to remember.

Having gone through all of that I was still contemplating becoming a midwife!

It wasn't until I had my son in the fall of 2010 that my mind was changed forever.

Just moments after seeing Lil mans face and checking out his balls (I couldn't wait to see em) he was put to the breast to feed and started choking and turning blue, not a color I was expecting.  He was suctioned and I was told he would be fine but he was just "squishy" and clogged with amniotic fluid. I tried to feed him again and again he started doing his impression of the horse in the Wizard of OZ. When the respiratory tech came in to suction him again, this time with a tube to his stomach she realized his esophagus was not fully formed. At only 1 hour of life he was taken away and into the nursery for the pediatric doctor on that night to run some tests and take some x-rays. It was discovered he had a congenital birth defect called T.E. Fistula. This happens early in development when the trachea and esophagus do not split properly.  His condition was confirmed and he was taken to the NICU at CHKD only 5 hours after being born. More on that another time.

It was a doctor my husband and I spoke with about Lil Mans condition but the nurses and midwife have to then take care of a new mama with no baby. The emotional strain that these women endure with such aplomb is unbelievable. That was my turning point. I could never look a woman in the eye and tell her something is wrong wither baby and then proceed to keep my composure. I want the job behind the green curtain. I don't want to be the great and powerful OZ.

So teaching women how to trust their bodies is what I can do. I know this too holds its own set of challenges. Dealing with loss is unfortunately a real part of motherhood. All I can do is my best.

6 comments:

  1. It's your big heart, your compassion. I understand why you wouldn't want to be the great, powerful oz. But sometimes we women need a compassionate oz. :)

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  2. Holly, I'll be your OZ anyway of the week! Thank you so much, It means so much that you stopped by here. Please dis regard the errors, I'm certain there are many!

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